Seasons....

This month, we have a lot of festivities, involving family. My husband's brother is getting married to a wonderful woman and I am so glad to be able to call her sister.  Since my Mother-in-Law's passing, in February, we have been on auto-pilot, to some degree. During her last years with us, she was not the same woman we'd always known. Weakened by COPD, immobilized by complications from diabetes, she was not able to actively participate in family gatherings, although she was still very good at organizing and orchestrating them.

So, as we embark on the journey, the lyrics to The Byrds' song, Turn! Turn! Turn! come to mind.


To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven


As a family, we have been through every season together.


A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

We  have been through weddings, births, separations, divorces, illness and death.  Those last few have, understandably, been some of the most difficult to experience. Through it all, Mom kept us moving in the right direction, and ALWAYS had a sense of humor about everything. She could make us laugh and move on, during the most difficult of times- even her own death. Her final wish was for us to have a celebration of her life, in the form of a karaoke party. We fulfilled that wish, and I'm so glad that we did, but I also think that it may have kept me from really grieving her loss. After all, she had been so unlike herself prior to her passing that it was as if much of her was already gone.

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together


And now, we have something to celebrate.... and mourn, all at the same time. As we try to coordinate amongst the family, the various dinners, and events surrounding the wedding, I am fighting an internal battle. I am so happy for my brother in law, having found someone so special. At the same time, I am desperately sad that Mom won't be here for the completion of this chapter.  I believe that she will be there, watching it all, but it's not the same.


She was the lynch-pin that kept it all together for us. She was the matriarch and made sure that we each knew our role for any given family function. I was the salad girl. I always wondered, but never asked, if I was assigned salads because she had no faith in my cooking. Or, maybe, she realized that working full time just didn't leave me a lot of time for kitchen creativity. Or, did she recognize that cooking isn't my passion, and salad allowed me to contribute without too much "work." 


A time of war, a time of peace
A time of love, a time of hate
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing


I think that, as wives, she and I couldn't have been more different. Yet, she respected me enough to listen to what I had to say, even when she disagreed (emphatically!) However, as people, I like to think that we are quite similar.  She taught me so much about how to conduct myself, with dignity, during difficult times. Reflecting on it, I don't know that she knew how to address the loss of someone so important to me.  I wish that we'd had that conversation.

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time of peace, I swear it's not too late!


As I take on hosting the rehearsal dinner (this is an honor for me, I swear) I am overwhelmed.  I see this as the family taking a big step without Mom. It is a time to gain a new appreciation for all that she did. I guess the time to lose is just not having her there. It is a time to rend MY self-perception as "the salad girl" and sew by taking on more responsibilities. I promise to use this time to love my family for who they are and know that I hate that we have to go on without her.

As we dance and celebrate this wonderful union, I will look for signs that she is there with us. I know she wouldn't miss it for anything!